The End. I need help from intellectuals
Butterfly
,
Monday, 9th of August 2010 06:20:04 PM
l wrote this short ''thing'' l do not know if it is too much of a story, Butterfly but l would like your opinions...
The End...
In Registered User such a rush. l am in such a rush. Managing to grab the last set of clean Joined: Saturday, 5th of June 2010, 21:42:27 business attire and run out. Nearly spraining my ankle as l speed down the Posts: 244 stoop, l pause to zip my boot. Sunlight blinding me – making my eyeballs Viewed 14695 times ache. l reach for where my sunglasses would be if l wasn’t in such a
hurry. Racing for shade; oh my aching legs while the sun is making me
blind.
Once l reach cover from solar extremes l slow my run to
a walk maybe a jog. Then l realized l was parched and without chapstick.
Pursing and licking my lips for a bit of solace. Taste a bit of blood, it
seems they have probably cracked and look like a dry patch of mud. Tongue
moving inside trying to create any bit of spit l can to relieve the
dryness in my mouth. Still the only thing my taste buds remember is a
slight hint of cool mint toothpaste and this morning’s cigarette. />
Seven blocks to go and the shade is cold. Old woman hunched over
the garbage can rummaging thru the rubbish. A HA! Mysteriously wrapped
object with traces of grease lingering. She carefully opens today’s
potential meal for further examination. Time for dinner but no time to
waste and she devours the scraps with haste. l cross my arms to protect
myself and show body language over my disgust with the disturbing display
of hopelessness. Another realization at this very moment – no lotion. My
elbows are dry like my lips. l could cry. So l run into 7-11.
/>Throw my change on the counter and race out of the store to catch the
pedestrian light. Pausing for only a moment in the middle of my jolt to
realize the sun rays caught my eye. For a moment so bright when the
sunlight hits your eyes right and everything drains from your mind.A
millisecond of true peace to enjoy that seems as if all of your worries
have died.
This time, the second didn’t pass how could such
peace last to suffice all my troubles and pain? l open them wide and I’m
blinking outside but the intense light doesn’t fade. l stand up high with
my mouth open wide and realize l no longer thirst. l run for escape and my
legs no longer ache or my knees from my basketball days.
l
embrace myself in a feeling of wealth that all of my health has returned.
As my arms fall, l feel my elbows and know they are no longer dry. What is
this and who am I? The girl that usually felt bad. l wanted to feel sad for
all the pain that I’ve had but all l felt was bliss. l looked to the
ground but there was nothing around, now my sight has failed. No. l can
see just fine, the clouds and the sky but no more bustling streets. No
strangers l meet but familiar faces l greet which l remember from a long
time ago.
Then I’m approached by a man with a book in his
hand and he opens his mouth just a bit. And the words that come out nearly
drip from his mouth; Sister, for you we’ve been looking out. We were
expecting you would come straight through right on time just as we knew.
My feet no longer ache and for that l say thanks, but, sir, l don’t know
you at all. He says; l am your sister, your brother, your father, your
mother; l am everything you’ve ever known. Where you have arrived you
were right on time and it is here that you will stay. l kick and l shout,
WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT? He says, Miss your time has run out.
Gare Bear
,
Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 10:23:38 AM
I love how the story flows, however there are some repetitive Gare Bear and needless parts. It has very strong feeling, and is a nice Registered User representation of how people these days take no time to enjoy life and it Joined: Sunday, 16th of May 2010, 07:30:23 is over when they least expect it, before they've actually accomplished Posts: 1959 anything more than having a good career and ignoring their family. Viewed 4411 times
BEB
,
Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 11:14:46 AM
I am concerned about so many incomplete and run-on sentences. BEB I take this story as a self-absorbed person who suddenly runs into the Registered User Grim Reaper. Detailed description is good, but this may be a bit much. Joined: Monday, 3rd of May 2010, 04:27:14 I'd like a better description of the Grim Reaper. What does he look like? Posts: 1223 Could he say something more ominous than ''I am your sister, your Viewed 9185 times brother'' etc.?
Please punctuate your conversations/quotes properly.
Miss. Bug
,
Thursday, 12th of August 2010 01:37:45 AM
I like the whirlwind of events; but I don't understand the Miss. Bug angst. Dry skin and sensitivity to light rarely lead people to despair. Registered User Joined: Wednesday, 26th of May 2010, 08:18:41 Posts: 961 Viewed 15406 times
lala
,
Friday, 13th of August 2010 06:50:55 PM
I like the concept of ur writing. However, there is room for lala improvement. I will use the first paragraph as an example. Registered User Joined: Saturday, 15th of May 2010, 19:00:57 1) the first two sentences are repetitive. Narrow it down to ''I am in Posts: 969 such a rush'' or ''I was so strapped for time'' Viewed 11574 times 2) You also want to try staying on the same tense. You go from ''is'' to
''was'' & back again. It confuses the reader.
3) This is optional: Some imagery. We know there is a stoop, & that the
sun is bright. But other than that, the setting isn't special at all. We
also know nothing about the character. Why is she in such a rush?
You have great potential. Keep it up.
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: 4 guests
|